You're probably wondering why I'm posting on a Wednesday. You may also be wondering why there wasn't a post this past Sunday. What have I been up to?
Well, I spent Sunday night and a large part of Monday morning having a meltdown.
My body was shaking.
My heart was racing.
And before I knew it, I was crying
This was the most anxiety that I had ever felt before.
Because I started thinking about everything that I had to do within the next few days and I instantly turned into a nervous wreck.
"You have to finish that paper before your flight to Houston this weekend"
"Remember, you have those three snapchat filters to create"
"Don't forget to pick up your outfit for the wedding"
"You promised to make the pasta for your cousin's graduation cookout."
"You still haven't contacted all of the parents for vacation bible school."
"You haven't posted on the blog in two weeks because of school assignments, you can't miss it this week."
"Oh yeah, you still have to sleep, wake up at 7am and go to work from 9 to 5."
Between family events, school, church commitments, side hustles, work and this website, there seemed to be no free time in sight.
All of these thoughts ran through my head as I watched the Starz series, Power. For a couple of minutes, I thought that my heart was pounding because Ghost was facing the death penalty. When my heart began to pound faster and I felt like I couldn't breathe, I knew that this had nothing to do with Ghost, Tommy, Tariq or any other fictional character.
I told my sister and then called my boyfriend. They both told me to drink some water and try to calm down. When they asked me why I was panicking, I could barely explain. Before I knew it, I was crying even more and my sister was sitting next to me playing meditation music.
I freaked out because I allowed my thoughts and responsibilities to overwhelm me. I was having a real panic attack. I've always been pretty emotional but I had never had this kind of physical reaction.
As my sister attempted to get to the root of the problem, it dawned on me. I was panicking because at that moment I realized that I barely ever have free or idle time.
Time when my brain and body are not working overtime to complete the many tasks that I fill my plate with.
Time when I don't have anywhere to be.
Time when I am not planning, going, doing or creating.
Time when I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING!
I had been moving through everything so quickly that I was now running on empty and it scared me to death. I panicked because a little voice inside of me was begging and pleading for a break.
So what does all of this mean?
Is this a new symptom of my disease? Do I just need to take a break from things for a while and rest my brain? Or am I just crazy?
After Sunday, I decided to be comfortable with the fact that I don't need to be working on something at every moment. Comfortable with the fact that everything won't fall apart if I spend an afternoon laying on the couch or just watching my nephew play with his fidget spinner. I AM HUMAN.
For now, I'm going to try my best to use my idle time to ACTUALLY BE IDLE (lol). We'll just have to wait and see if panic will rear its ugly head again. I'd be lying if I said that I'll be ready but I truly hope that prayer, relaxation and proper use of my idle time will avert it.
UNTIL NEXT TIME READERS!